By Brandon Scott Gorrell
there is a shadow in the corner of the wall where i am sitting
i am sitting in this room and all
the lights are turned off. i turned them off because i want
no one in this house to know that i am
here right now.
this is where i sit in my house and there are existential
i hear people talking they are either
inside my house or outside my house.
there are sounds outside my
door like my roommate is
standing in front of it.
i want to sit in front of you and drink coffee and stare at your face and talk to you for five hours and then we should go back and have sex.
today i layed down in
a despair and there
was a cat somewhere and i was petting it and i looked
at its face and it stared at me and i felt
bad and then there was a small
amount of crying and
i watched a youtube video of
a weatherman getting struck by lightning
there was a moment from last night that i
can not stop thinking
about when i am
it my vocal cords generate
because there is extreme
i am very concerned right now that there is a roommate listening at my door.
when i came home from work i
did not know what to do so i didn’t
do anything and my roommate gave me a shirt and
he made me try
it on in front of him and
i felt stupid and tried it on in front of him.
when the CEO summoned
thought ‘oh fuck’ and slapped my coworker in
i purchased a short story anthology, thai food, a
latte, a cd, and rode on a
bus today. on a lampost there was a
i looked at it and i
have it now right here in front of my
it says TOM IS A 58 YEAR
WITH A MILD
DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITY WHO WANDERED
AWAY FROM HIS HOME YESTERDAY
HIS SPEECH IS BROKEN AND
HE IS VERY
FRIENDLY, AND WILL GENERALLY ANSWER QUESTIONS
HE IS ALSO ABLE TO
AND USE THE TRANSIT
SO HE MAY STAY CLOSE TO
IF YOU SEE TOM PLEASE CONTACT THE BELLEVUE POLICE OR THE SEATTLE POLICE
one time i will be in front of you and want to touch your face and then i will write a three page poem about it
i will go through the doorway and
you will be five feet in front of me
looking at me and smiling.
i will smile and look at your
face and notice your facial expression and feel
nervous and self conscious and happy.
i will follow you and then i will sit down.
you will say no more than
ten words to me and then you will
the whole time you are anywhere within my
field of vision i
will stare at you and try not to
stare at you.
i will think about kissing your cheekbones and
kissing your mouth and then about the
your lower abdomen above your
i will think about how your vagina looks and i
will think about licking it.
i will think about one of my
hands on the inside of your left thigh and one of my
hands on the inside of your right thigh.
i will think about holding your legs open and looking at your vagina.
you will come back to me and say
no more than ten words to me and
i will look at you and try to make you feel
very serious and also afraid and i will try to
non-verbally send you the message that i
want to drink coffee with you and stare at your face and talk
to you for five hours and then have
sex with you.
you will not receive
this message or
you will receive the message but not
i will wonder if you are trying to non-verbally send the same message
you will walk away from
me and i
will think about squeezing your
butt and feeling the skin on your
i will think about smoking a cigarette while looking at your naked body.
you will pass me at
least five times and i
will try to make it seem like i am interested in
you but that i
am not interested in you and that i have
important and cool things to consider by
carefully choosing the times i
make eye contact with you.
you will be in front of me again and you
will smile and say something to me and i will
look at your face and i will
want to touch it.
i will think that you are happy and i will
think that you think that i
am sad and quiet and
i will entertain myself with this idea.
i will fantasize about
you talking to others about me
being sad and quiet and
i will fantasize about
you calling me ‘deep’ and
then giving me your cell phone number.
i will fantasize about you thinking about
me after we are
not in the same room.
you will leave and the
eye contact that i
will have made will have
been full of hope and also
you will walk towards me and i
will quickly look at my cell phone and
open my cell phone and start
writing a text message and
then you will
pass me and i will close
my cell phone.
i will think about you when you are
not in my
field of vision.
i will read a book but i will
not be able to concentrate on the
words that i
am reading and
i will act like i am very interested in
the book and when
you approach me i will
look at your face and act
surprised that you are
in front of me.
i will say something to you and
ou will say something to me.
you will walk away from me and
i will stand up.
i will walk through the
doorway and then i will not
be in the room you are in.
holding a tiny dixie cup in my hand makes me feel like a giant human being that will crush things
i was in my bedroom today silently freaking out and staring at a computer screen
i laid down on my bed and got up and laid down on my bed and got up
the highway overpass brought me an intense fear and put it into my brain after going through my eyes
i looked for a plastic thing for two hours
i wanted to take a picture of myself with a sad facial expression and i took three and i had an angry facial expression in them
in some strange communication my roommate called me a name and asked where his lunch was and i didn’t know what to say to him and he asked if i was taking a vow of silence today and i said no and whispered i am not taking a vow of silence today
someone sent me a picture of a poster of a lost dog on a telephone pole in a dark place and it was sad
i walked around with no aim and after awhile i could not remember having left my house and then i remembered and went home
i felt pressure to ‘work from home’
there was old coffee and a novel and some cigarettes on my desk and i was intellectual and beautiful
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Brandon Scott Gorrell lives and works in Seattle. He is the author of the i am a stoic beaver very much preoccupied with dam building blog. You can go there and read everything and make comments. Brandon Scott Gorrell is 23.